MISSION UPDATE: When your attitude becomes someone's atmosphere

Day sixteen of our visit to the US gave me a jolt. Today is day twenty-two and I'm still bothered by it.

The boys and I were walking around the lake in my mom's gated retirement community. Autumn leaves were scattered along the path, acorns had been strewn everywhere, and turtles sprawled sunbathing on logs floating in the water. The colorful trees reflected off the smooth lake and the weather was just about perfect. We'd just spotted some geese and then started up a hill that led into a bend back toward a row of canoes. I was talking with the boys about something, thinking I was doing my parental and civic duty pointing out something that had happened that was less than desirable. I wanted to make sure they knew it wasn't good or right even though they hadn't been a part of it.

I told myself it needed to be said. But something didn't sit right as I said it and suddenly I interrupted myself. "Wouldn't it be so nice to be the kind of person who just lets undesirable things roll off you? Not even really giving them notice or attention unless absolutely necessary?"

Three heads snapped around to look at me as our feet kicked the unavoidable acorns off the path. Six eyes looked straight into mine as they nodded their agreement. They seemed to be trying to determine if I was serious. There was an unintentional rebuke in their response and I immediately knew God was wanting me to pay attention.

I've spent more than 7 years in the foreign mission field. In that time I've gone through all the stages of emoting. One counselor identified that process in 5 steps: Awareness, Identification, Acceptance, Expression, and Integration.

I've gotten stalled out a few times and in a few stages. Or all of them. The result has been attitudes of pessimism, disillusionment, and sometimes even being a bit jaded. And as I've mothered these three boys, I've done it from a place of almost panic, at times. I almost expect the worst case scenario and I also often assume people have the worst intentions or motives.

Very missionary of me, right?

I'm in the US right now, trying hard to rest and recover because somewhere along the way I stopped holding my emotions accountable and they started to control me. When I feel something it seems those around me end up feeling it, too.

I've been intentionally working for the past few months to retrain my brain to think and process in ways consistent with Biblical principals.

Isaiah 26:3 - Thou wilt keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on thee: because he trusteth in thee.

Romans 12:2 - And be not conformed to this world: but be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind, that ye may prove what is that good, and acceptable, and perfect, will of God.

Ephesians 4:23,24 - And be renewed in the spirit of your mind; And that ye put on the new man, which after God is created in righteousness and true holiness.

2 Corinthians 10:3-5 - For though we walk in the flesh, we do not war after the flesh: (For the weapons of our warfare are not carnal, but mighty through God to the pulling down of strong holds;) Casting down imaginations, and every high thing that exalteth itself against the knowledge of God, and bringing into captivity every thought to the obedience of Christ;

Philippians 4:7-9 - And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus. Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things. Those things, which ye have both learned, and received, and heard, and seen in me, do: and the God of peace shall be with you.

I've made positive strides. I have far fewer images of horrifying, worst-case-scenarios passing through my mind that I have to shut down. And, by the grace of God, it's gotten really easy to turn them off when they intrude. But, as is often God's chosen method, when He's brought one issue to our attention and has helped us gain traction in the overcoming of it, He then determines we're ready for the next step. So here we are and God used my boys' responses to show me it's time to check my attitude.

So I've been checking it over the past few days and it's not good. Just as before when God led me to writing out Scripture to deal with the debilitating mental images, He put the idea before me to spend intentional time examining His character. Because how can you have a bad attitude when you really and truly study and meditate on the beautiful character of God?

You can't.

Just a few examples ...

God's holiness - Isaiah 6:1-4 ... In the year that king Uzziah died I saw also the Lord sitting upon a throne, high and lifted up, and his train filled the temple. Above it stood the seraphims: each one had six wings; with twain he covered his face, and with twain he covered his feet, and with twain he did fly. And one cried unto another, and said, Holy, holy, holy, is the Lord of hosts: the whole earth is full of his glory. And the posts of the door moved at the voice of him that cried, and the house was filled with smoke.

God's mercy - Psalm 103:8-14 ... The Lord is merciful and gracious, slow to anger, and plenteous in mercy. He will not always chide: neither will he keep his anger for ever. He hath not dealt with us after our sins; nor rewarded us according to our iniquities. For as the heaven is high above the earth, so great is his mercy toward them that fear him. As far as the east is from the west, so far hath he removed our transgressions from us. Like as a father pitieth his children, so the Lord pitieth them that fear him. For he knoweth our frame; he remembereth that we are dust.

God's love - 1 John 4:7-19 ... (here are verses 16-19) And we have known and believed the love that God hath to us. God is love; and he that dwelleth in love dwelleth in God, and God in him^. Herein is our love made perfect, that we may have boldness in the day of judgment: because as he is, so are we in this world. There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear: because fear hath torment. He that feareth is not made perfect in love. We love him, because he first loved us.

God's sovereignty - Isaiah 40:12-31 ... (here are verses 12-15, 26, 31 ) Who hath measured the waters in the hollow of his hand, and meted out heaven with the span, and comprehended the dust of the earth in a measure, and weighed the mountains in scales, and the hills in a balance? Who hath directed the Spirit of the Lord, or being his counsellor hath taught him? With whom took he counsel, and who instructed him, and taught him in the path of judgment, and taught him knowledge, and shewed to him the way of understanding? Behold, the nations are as a drop of a bucket, and are counted as the small dust of the balance: behold, he taketh up the isles as a very little thing. ... Lift up your eyes on high, and behold who hath created these things, that bringeth out their host by number: he calleth them all by names by the greatness of his might, for that he is strong in power; not one faileth. ... But they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint.

You can't sit in God's word, letting Him teach you from it, praying it back to Him, and not be changed. So I'm going to keep "researching" all the aspects of who He is that have been revealed to us because I want to be changed into His image.

And I want the atmosphere that my children live in to be one of peace and love because I'm reflecting that kind of attitude rather than one like a stinky sock.

One day at a time but also one day after another.