MISSION UPDATE: Missionary down

It's been several years now of the back and forth struggle. Up, down, a little sideways, and repeat. I've shared some of it here. I've thought it was overwhelm. I've assumed it was exhaustion. I've chalked it all up to life unsustainable.

After all, 7 years ago this month, we stepped into the unknown with absolutely no idea how windy this unknown path would prove to be. I had zero percent of a clue what I was walking into and I 100% did not realize the day we first stepped onto that Thai-bound plane would be the end of the life I loved.

All the life to follow, at least to this point, has been one entirely new and disconnected from the former one. Don't mistake me for saying I don't love it, because there's certainly so much to love. But this is not the life that was. Many things that you'd generally walk through with the support of friends and family surrounding you, have had to be navigated outside of that. People assume you're fine because you're still there. You're still going.

People also assume your life as a missionary looks the way it does because you chose it. And if you chose it, then you must be fine. I'm going to share something with you that will come dangerously close to shattering that myth.

Because leaving life, normalcy, language, culture, friends, and family behind is a choice some people might make willingly, perhaps out of a sense of adventure. But many people who have left those things behind have done it because they're choosing obedience and not a life full of the unfamiliar and unknown.

As a Bible-believing missionary, who genuinely believes it's imperative that our choices reflect obedience and not preference, it's been a little confusing to me how honest to be when sharing life in the foreign mission field. I've read the counsel (not sure if my memory is serving this up as a direct quote or as a paraphrase) to make it a rule never to utter one word of doubt or discouragement. And in another place I remember words that remind us that if we do not feel lighthearted and joyous, do not talk of your feelings. Cast no shadow upon the lives of others.

And I think it's such wise counsel. We should want so much to lighten the load of others, not add to it. If I come, even to the internet, and constantly tell you the battles I'm/we're fighting, rather than the ways I see God fighting for me/us, I'm a weight and not a blessing.

But I also think it's important to recognize that if we present life in ministry as rainbows and sunshine, it could potentially discourage others who aren't having such an easy experience. Life is about balance. Today I'm going to balance my testimony by sharing a truth that has been tempting me away from my calling. I recognized it about a week ago when a friend from America said this during a phone call: God understands you're struggling with a form of depression.

Depression? I'm surrounded by kids who love me and who show me that love. I'm a frontline eyewitness to the incredible provision of a detail-oriented God. I've been sustained in a foreign land, with a too-large and too-expensive ministry, for seven whole years now. I've seen miracles. I've seen demons subdued after harrassing more than one child.

What kind of lightweight missionary would I have to be to struggle with depression in the midst of all that? What kind of damage to the foreign mission field would it bring if people found out?

The answer was slow in coming but over the course of this week I've realized something that I need to say out loud for others to hear, for their benefit and also so they can remind me later ... Jesus spent his 3 1/2 years of active ministry on this earth ministering directly to a group of 12 people with an assortment of struggles, doubts, and perplexity and it was those very people who walked closest with Him while He was here.

It wasn't the pulled together ones. These weren't the elite or the polished. They weren't the ones who'd learned the script well enough to dupe everyone. In fact, the closest to that kind among His disciples ended up betraying Him.

The other day I went to walk from the dining room to the outdoor path in front of the classrooms and I realized everything was pinkish. I blinked and squinted. I rubbed my eyes and then stood with them closed. When I opened them, things were still tinged pink. It lasted roughly 10 minutes but it was another physical manifestation of the stress my mind and body are under. Flutters in my chest, periodic tightness in my neck that creeps up and then clings for weeks at a time, fluid retention, headaches that send me to bed. But worse still are the affects on my mind.

Images of worst case scenarios flash in front of my eyes. Robbie was in a motorbike accident a few years ago and sustained a head injury. It was by God's grace alone that he survived and he's still trying to regain what was lost. I passed by the scene of the accident on the way to the hospital that day, and my brain seemed to pick up a new hobby of creating images like that scene, but that aren't actually real.

Sometimes it's like a slide of pictures and other times it's more of a video. I'll be wide awake when it happens and it grips me. For awhile I thought I was being warned of pending danger but it's long since become clear that's not what's happening, as these things don't come to pass. But my body and mind live through the disasters like they did happen and I'm a rung out rag before a real crisis pops up, of which we have plenty.

My brain panics now, at the slightest hint of a problem, illness, or injury. It jumps to the worst and then, like a squatter refusing to vacate, tries for all it's worth to live in that darkness.

I do NOT understand why.

And then I remember three people who came to talk with me after church one day, who I have increasingly become convinced were angels. They walked up to me as soon as the service ended, not talking to others, and told me they had a message for me from God. I was standing when they told me and I reflexively sat down in the pew as soon as the man (it was a man and two women all dressed in unusual attire) spoke those words. I wanted some distance between myself and them because people say all sorts of things in the name of God.

But their message was a warning that I'd be met with fearsome things over here "which your mind can't wrap around right now but you'll remember these words when you're in those situations. And God wants you to know that you are NOT to be afraid. He's gone before you and He's already done a work where you're going. You are NOT to be afraid."

That is close to a direct quote of one part of what they said. It's lived in my head for almost 8 years now and I've revisited it often due to fear rising. They finished sharing their message with me (my daughter, Hannah, and some of our friends were standing with me) and then made their way out of the church without talking to anyone. That evening the pastor told me he had gone to the door they'd gone out leading to the parking lot but couldn't see them anywhere.

Now I'm not saying they were angels. But I'm saying I believe they were and I believe it more the longer I live in this land that has brought me so many temptations to fear. And it's often what I cling to when I feel myself starting to drift: If God loved us so much that He sent angels to warn us the path ahead was going to be so rough, and that we could trust God was RIGHT HERE and we had nothing to fear, how can I doubt?

So while I am human, and in a sense I've disobeyed the command not to fear, I also keenly sense God calling me back, time and time again. Here's what I'm currently doing to stay anchored during a sustained time that has felt so heavy and overwhelming:

• I'm listening to the Bible on audio in chronological order using an app. It's roughly 5 chapters a day so a good chunk of time is required to listen.

• I'm writing the Bible. I open my physical Bible to read and, in order to slow myself down and absorb it, I'm writing it out. I started in Genesis and have written out 4 chapters this week. I've noticed things in those chapters I've possibly read more than any other (am I the only one who repeatedly tries to read the whole way through the Bible and always feels like I have to start at the very beginning??) that I never noticed before. And something else significant happens ... my mind is completely free of those flashing images while I'm writing those words of Scripture. I get a break from having to fight them by taking every thought captive. And it's a welcome break because Satan has been relentless with it. I need to stock up on pens because I'm going to keep on writing.

• I'm praying. I don't have to understand why God has allowed all the things He's allowed. I don't have to understand everything about what He's asking us to do. I don't have to even like all of it. Mingling reverence and honesty in His presence has made me realize He's near and He can handle my questions.

• I've been getting into the sunlight, trying to do so when I can maximize vitamin D production. Hannah got me an app to help me determine ideal times, and I've been going on a walk down the road and back (just over a mile) during the later morning on school days with the boys. It's quality time with them and whoever else goes with us, exercise, and hopefully vitamin d.

• I've been walking. Not impressive distances and certainly not impressive speeds. But where I'd been finding myself constantly wanting to crawl into bed during any lull in activity, I'm now trying to do something productive or, if my brain won't engage with the work I need to accomplish, I force myself to walk. I've been getting between 1-3 walks in per day and it feels better than hiding in bed.

• I'm drinking more water. I know dehydration can mimic, or cause, many health issues. I've never been good at remembering to drink enough. I'm probably still not getting enough but I'm intentionally getting more and will keep working at it.

• I'm trying to get enough sleep. I've had so much trouble sleeping since we moved to Thailand. Years on years of inadequate, interrupted sleep has taken a toll. I'm trying to identify things that disrupt sleep and eliminate them.

• I'm taking a break. We booked tickets for Levi, Quinn, Zach and I to go to the US for awhile to rest and reset and visit Micah, Nik, Alex and others. We fly out September 28th. This won't be a speaking trip and the boys specifically requested that we not drive around the whole time because we come home so worn out that it's not the break they needed. Robbie, Hannah, and Abi will keep things running here until we get back. Tickets are expensive, especially for 4 people, so we just bought one-way. The benefit to that is that it gives God space to indicate when it's time to come back. We're expecting it'll be about a month.

If you're in ministry and struggling, just know you aren't alone. Not just because others are experiencing struggle, too, but because God has promised to never leave or forsake us, no matter what our feelings tell us.

If you're walking out a season or calling in your life that feels uncomfortable, unsteady, or uncertain, cling to God in whatever way you need to. Your clinging may not look just like mine but cling anyway. He won't let you go, no matter what your feelings tell you.

If you know a foreign missionary, reach out to them. Don't assume they're choosing the hardships involved in their current life ... assume they've chosen obedience and God didn't promise that would always be easy or pretty. Let them know you care, pray for them, and be their friend, even from afar. They may very well be lonely and missing the community of their former lives. You never know when one well-timed encouragement from you might be the thing that gives them the courage to face one more day. I can tell you, with absolute certainty, I've experienced that kind of sustaining encouragement on more occasions than I can count and I'm so thankful for the many good people God has planted in my life over the years.

And he said unto them, Verily I say unto you, There is no man that hath left house, or parents, or brethren, or wife, or children, for the kingdom of God's sake, Who shall not receive manifold more in this present time, and in the world to come life everlasting. Luke 18:29-30

Heaven is cheap enough and one day we'll have proof. Until then, we can choose to trust the abundance of evidence, no matter what our feelings tell us!

========

Click above to navigate to the Dear Diary link of our website where you'll find diary style, barely edited reflections from our ordinary days. It starts with the most recent update and you just scroll down for earlier entries.