MISSION UPDATE: Slow death

A few weeks ago Austin started a video series called Meet the Kids with the purpose of giving people a little peek into who each of them are. I love the concept, I love the old pictures that have been dusted off and added to the b-roll, and I love watching the vision he gets in his head come to life.

For both videos that have been done so far, I've been a part of his interview process, telling a little of the backstories of the children being highlighted. And what watching the completed videos have reminded me, aside from how deeply I love each of these kids, is the toll my life has taken on my health.

It's not the mission field that's responsible for it; it's poor management, on my part, of the stewardship of good health.

It would be deceptive to say the past 6 years haven't been filled with stress. They have. Don't mistake me for saying this is the way it should be or the way it had to be. I'm only admitting it's the way it has been.

A flooding property with several dozen children to keep safe or to evacuate. Venomous snakes, especially during the times of flooding. Leaking roofs and the concern about mold. Broken bones and kidney failure. Trying to navigate life, and its unique personal challenges, while living in a fishbowl. Lack of funding, at times. Balancing the need to protect the children we came with while ministering to the children we came to. Constantly changing government regulations. Visa uncertainties.

It seems like my mind takes each of those things, and others I didn't take time to mention, and in an effort to survive, tucks them away inside my body. Seeing myself on video made me very aware that surviving is not at all the same as thriving.

I am not thriving. And if I don't thrive, my family doesn't, either. That's how significant the gift of parenting is.

So instead of begging out of future videos so I don't have to be faced with it, I'm going to embrace the opportunity to accept a challenge I believe God has placed before me. Because I can almost hear Him whispering:

"What you see on the outside is a reflection of what's happening on the inside. Let's start inside and work out."

So today I made a decision. Today isn't going to be like yesterday. And tomorrow isn't, either.

This morning I downloaded Strava on my phone. The free version. And then I went for a walk down the flooded road, enjoying knowing my walk was being recorded so I can challenge myself to go faster or further next time.

I walked happily knowing I wasn't just walking because I needed a few minutes to myself; I was walking in the open air on purpose, with a purpose.

I'm making it a priority to drink sufficient water, to eat with intention, and to seek out the sunshine as far as possible in a season where the clouds work overtime to hold it captive. I'm prioritizing not overdoing or underdoing anything and I'm going to lean into God with more determination which will make my times of rest more restful.

I'm not going to do anything radical or unsustainable. I'm just going to see what happens when I'm intentional about doing things God's way instead of mine. I'm wondering what changes I'll experience mentally and how those changes might reveal themselves physically. I'm almost excited to see with my eyes how deeply the physical and spiritual connection truly runs.

Sometimes we know a thing in our head but our heart doesn't believe it. I'm ready to believe.

I haven't felt good a single day in too long for me to remember. I can't carry the load I've been trying to carry so I'm reminding myself that I'm not picking up new habits to add to the weight of it. I'm going to establish a new normal, by the grace of God, so that I can stop killing myself day after stressful day.

Because barely surviving will never be the pathway to thriving and I know all too well how easy it is to lead those around us on a path of self-destruction.

I want the cycle to stop today. You're more than welcome to hold me accountable.